Jeff - YA Science-Fantasy
Rep: Patrick Munnelly at Bond Literary
Story-time with Jeff: Querying PRINCESS OF A FADING STAR
I started writing and workshopping my query in 2018, when I finished the first draft of my novel. I would start querying in September 2020 and get agented in early 2021. I got most of my interest from pitch contests as I found cold querying far too depressing. I couldn’t stop myself from working on these elaborate customizations when cold querying, and getting those form rejections back hurt. At least with interest from pitch contests, I knew the interest was two-way.
I probably wrote over 30 unique drafts of this query. I workshopped it on Reddit.com/r/pubtips, with CPs, with my WriteMentor mentors. I now write queries as one of the first steps of the writing process. With PRINCESS OF A FADING STAR, I ended up revising the manuscript to more closely fit successful queries/pitches, which I never want to have to do again.
You’ll notice my early versions are unacceptably detailed without getting to the point. Since my novel is multi-POV, I faced a tough choice on what to do. I have a clear “main” character, but she doesn’t get chapter one of the novel. So over time, I focused on making Prince Zander, the character who gets chapter one, hookier in the query, since I realized that the agent really wants to see the whole book mesh, and that starts with the query and chapter one matching one another.
My customization in 2019 was also so corny that I can’t bring myself to include it. It included a Star Wars quote. This version was only ever sent to pitch contests, which I did not get into. This first pitch focuses exclusively on the main protagonist— Celene— and I can only imagine how confusing it was to read this query, and then read chapter one, which doesn’t mention her at all.
Query Draft 1: September 2019
Dear [name]
Armed with an iron sword and guided by the light of a Moon that splintered millennia ago, Seventeen-year-old Celene sails in search of a cure for death until she collides with Alessia, a princess on the run from a kingdom where genetically enhanced men and women are forced to breed to sustain powerful bloodlines.
As their destinies intertwine, Celene and Alessia find themselves on opposite sides of a secret war between ancient machines and immortal kings. Because Celene wasn’t born— she was artificially designed, perfected, and grown by machines that wish to turn the broken, barbaric Earth into a peaceful utopia by any means necessary.
Celene followed them without question they killed her first love, Saniya, in a bizarre ritual that left her consciousness trapped inside a strange metal sphere that Celene wears around her neck.
Pulled between a budding love for the princess and the need to return the ghost that haunts her back to life, Celene must choose her side – a decision with the potential to plunge the surviving remnants of humanity into chaos.
PRINCESS OF THE FADING EARTH is a science-fantasy novel complete at 83,000 worlds set in a broken future where no one is sure whether they are the hero or the villain. It aspires to blend the science-fantasy action of Star Wars with the worldbuilding of Brandon Sanderson to create a modern and progressive myth.
Thank you,
Jeff de León
Query Draft 2: March 2020
This query got me a #WriteMentor mentorship. I got a lot of flak from some critique groups for trying to write a dual-POV query, but this ended up being pretty close to what I used when I got my agent— despite trying several single-POV variations over the year.
Dear [name]
Hope makes us human.
At seventeen, Zander's world ends when Princess Alessia runs away rather than marry him. A failure to his cruel northern kingdom, he is left at the mercy of Alessia’s father. With one chance to prove himself, he accepts the king’s suicidal mission to hunt down the last of the Machine-Gods that once ruled the world.
Meanwhile, hiding beneath the Earth, Celene wakes fully grown inside a tank, designed perfect and powerful by machines as a weapon to send against humanity. But when Celene is discovered by the runaway princess, their instant connection interferes with plans a thousand years in the making.
As a conflicted Zander leads an army against her home, Celene must decide whether she is on the side of Alessia and humanity, or on the side of artificial perfection—a decision that will plunge the surviving remnants of humanity into chaos.
PRINCESS OF A FADING STAR is a young adult science-fantasy novel complete at 125,000 words in a future world that echoes CW’s The 100, but with the magic and intrigue of The Belles. It is written for a generation that in the face of darkness, humans are built out of hope and heroism.
I hold a B.A. in English and an M.A. in Literacy from Touro University. As a teacher, I know how intensely young readers crave complex stories filled with mystery and wonder. I set out to write a myth that fills that need as well as a greater need for diverse characters. Zander’s reaction to an abusive parent pulls from my own life, and Celene is bisexual as I experience it. But this novel is also an escape to a world where not even villains hold prejudice based on race, gender, or sexual orientation.
Thank you,
Jeff de León
Query Draft 3: October 2020— The One That Got Me Agented
There is a ton of drafting in between these two drafts. My amazing #WriteMentor mentors helped me draft a whole different query, which I ended up not liking. While more technically proficient, it just didn’t sound like me, and I decide I’d rather get rejected on my own personal favorite.
I learned two major lessons in my final run of querying. The first is that customizations super matter, but they shouldn’t just say the same stuff that is already in your query. If you’re really just saying “You will like this because it matches your MSWL”, say that in like one sentence, and then let your pitch show them that your story matches their MSWL.
But if there is a unique marketing angle that you don’t cover in your ordinary query that might appeal to this one particular agent, lead with that. Patrick LOVED the idea of a myth retelling, and it's been clear to me in our conversation since that this customization was what hooked him and helped him contextualize what this novel was aspiring to be.
Toward the end, I also started writing customizations more in my own voice— comfortable and casual. As my friends started getting agented, I realized how much it's a partnership, and tried to convey what I would be like to work with— hopefully lighthearted and easy going.
Dear Patrick,
I was over the Moon to receive a like from you during #DVpit! Thank you!
Originally, this MS was inspired by my desire for a queer retelling of the Epic of Gilgamesh.
Based on your MSWL, I also want to mention that this story is grounded on planet Earth (no space!) ravaged by climate disaster with a close connection to ancient myths-- and some niche Dante references. And through a ritual gone wrong, a character becomes a technological ghost, trapped inside the mind of the girl she loves, slowly gaining influence...
Seventeen-year-old Prince Zander strives to create peace in a broken world through a marital alliance that will send him far from home. But when his betrothed, Princess Alessia, runs away days before their wedding, the union between their kingdoms will shatter unless he can find her.
Meanwhile, warrior-clone Celene trains in the ruins of a starship. She was designed by A.I. to save a dying planet, but when the runaway princess discovers her, their mysterious connection leaves Celene questioning her purpose.
Fate put them on opposite sides of a war between immortal kings and ancient machines. But a cloned warrior, a heartbroken prince, and a rebellious princess must find a way to change their destiny—or else the fragile remnants of humanity will be plunged into chaos for the last time.
PRINCESS OF A FADING STAR, is a young adult science-fantasy novel set in a future world that echoes CWTV’s The 100. Written as a standalone with series potential, this story of wondrous kingdoms competing for ancient technology will appeal to fans of YA like Twin Daggers and Goddess in the Machine, as well as classic science-fiction like Dune.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Jeff de León
Jeff’s Reflection:
I’m pretty happy with the 3 middle paragraphs— the pitch. The wording changed over time to 1) use the best, most concise wording I had learned from writing pitch contests 2) ensure that it matched the first 10 pages an agent would read— and then the first 30-50 pages they would read in a partial.
I think I spent a lot of time rewriting and agonizing over my query when what was hurting me the most was that the query pitched a very different novel than chapter one pitched, and I needed to make sure they matched. This led to a query where I slightly exaggerated the importance of Prince Zander— since he gets chapter one of the novel, and an agent reading a partial might be wondering how long it will take for his plot to connect with Celene’s.
It’s a little vague and flowery, but in the end, I think someone who will like the novel would like the talk of fate and destiny in the query over something more concrete. We want to write a query that appeals to everyone, but I think we should also realize we aren’t trying to make everyone LIKE our novel; we’re trying to make one person LOVE it. Once I focused on that, a lot of pressure fell away and I think I was able to write my best query, opener, and synopsis.