Daphne - MG Ghost Story
Rep: Tara Gonzalez at Erin Murphy Literary Agency
Query Draft 1 (With Daphne’s Notes)
Dear Agent,
For your consideration is CASSIE & THE MAZE OF SCREAMS an MG #Ownvoices ghost story complete at 56,000 words. It is written to standalone with series potential. It will appeal to fans of Victoria Schwab's City of Ghosts and Claribel A. Ortega’s Ghost Squad. Comps: My comps remain in the final, but in my opinion, improves.
Twelve-year-old Cassie de La Cruz led a top team of junior ghost hunters until her family moved to southern Virginia. Now Cassie must recruit a new crew, but unfortunately her classmates think she and ghost hunting are weird,Voice: One word would seem so minor, but I struggled to figure what to use here. I wanted to avoid words like ‘crazy’ and ‘insane’ to be sensitive to mental health issues, and I also desired words that kids use today, but slang like ‘sus’ and ‘simp’ may not be understood (and yes, I’m probably using those terms wrong, haha). TL;DR, I settled for ‘weird.’ Bleh. threatening her dream to win a ghost hunting contest.
Determined to prove her schoolmates wrong, Cassie sets out to investigate a local ghost legend known as the Widow’s Entrance to prove that paranormal activity exists and win the contest. What she doesn’t count on was meeting a strange boy in the woods who has the cutest puppy dog eyes and unusually detailed knowledge about the history of the area. Cassie sees him as the perfect ally for her investigation to find a ghost... until she realizes he actually is one.
Thom Pine has been thirteen-years-old for quite some time. POV: My manuscript is a single first-person POV, but by starting the paragraph from another character’s perspective, it may suggest that my book is dual POV. (Of course, I didn’t realize this until after sharing with agents =P) He is cursed to return to the living, full flesh and blood every October, and has been doing so for the past hundred years with no idea why. When Cassie learns about his real identity, she realizes the Widow’s Entrance and Thom’s curse are intertwined. If Cassie and Thom can solve the mystery behind the ghost legend, it will help Cassie’s rising stardom in the ghost-hunting world, but it may also break Thom’s curse, and Cassie will lose a crewmember for whom she is rapidly growing feelings. Stakes: Arguably the most crucial part of any query letter. The stakes reflect the central conflict in your manuscript. If you struggle with this line in your query, you may want to evaluate your pages to make sure you can identify what is that hard choice your character has to make or another way to look at it; what happens if your character fails? In a high concept book, failure could mean the planet explodes; in a quieter book, it could mean a character will be unhappy (which is a serious issue if your reader really cares about them). In this query, I realized I needed to amp up the language.
Daphne’s Commentary
This is the first version of my query letter for the middle-grade manuscript that eventually got me signed with a literary agent. In all my iterations, I follow the metadata, book, then cook format. (This works for me, but in general most agents don’t appear to have a preference on the order.)
Word Count (339): For queries, most advice I’ve seen is to keep it between 250 - 350 words. Too little, and you’re probably not sharing enough. Too much, and you’re probably not communicating your story concisely.
Missing in my examples is personalization, i.e., “I am querying you because your #MSWL included flying monkeys who like ice cream...” Personalization is another gray area when it comes to agent preference. In my experience, I include personalization if it makes sense, but don’t force it. In this version of my query, adding personalization made me sweat because I really held myself to 350 words max. (BTW, I doubt agents ever check for word count, but I was obsessed.)
Stats for this version: 14 queries (a mix of cold queries and #DVPit requests) resulting in 6 full requests, 4 rejections, 4 no responses.
Query Draft 2 (Final)
Dear Agent,
For your consideration is CASSIE & THE LOST GHOST BOY a middle grade #ownvoices fantasy featuring a City of Ghosts best friend story meets the non-western folklore and family relationships of Ghost Squad.COMPS: I expanded on the aspects of the comps that apply to my manuscript. I wanted to be specific to help agents see my story’s plot and vibe. In my query, I used two recent books, but in my Twitter pitch, I also used the movie Goonies. I just reference this to point out that a comp can be another form of media, so long as one comp is a book. Complete at 50,000 words, it is written to stand alone with series potential.
As the spunky leader of a top paranormal investigation team, twelve-year-old Cassie Cruz is close to winning a ghost hunter mentorship with her idol until her family moves to a small town in Virginia. Now Cassie must recruit a new ghost hunting crew to achieve her dream, except her classmates won’t have anything to do with ‘ghost girl’ VOICE: Here, I hoped to capture more of an MG vibe by referencing this nickname used in the story. I didn’t escape the word ‘weird.’ (As you can see, I’m still super critical of myself, which is a very writerly mentality, haha.) and her weird hobby.
With no choice, Cassie sets out to explore a local ghost legend on her own STRUCTURE: For this revision, I was pleased that I was able to get “the book” section into two paragraphs. In general, for submission packages, I like the idea of being efficient with words, i.e., less is more. Still, for SFF novels, there’s also a risk of including too much of the shiny things, i.e., the world-building, the incredible details, all the fun stuff we spent hours thinking about, leading to eclipsing the story. (Meanwhile, I see more words I can cut! Why am I doing this exercise?!?) when she meets a strange boy who has an unusually detailed knowledge of the area. Cassie sees him as the perfect ally to find a ghost... until she realizes he is one. Cassie learns that Thom has been cursed for over a century to return to the living, full flesh and blood, only for the month of October, and, worse, he has no idea why. Working together, they soon discover that the ghost legend and Thom’s curse are intertwined. If they can solve the mystery before Halloween, Cassie will win her dream, but it also means she will lose her new best friend forever. STAKES: I hope Cassie’s difficult choice is more apparent here. I also went from a wishy-washy relationship in the first version to a clearly stated one.
Editors from Scholastic, Harper Collins, Simon & Schuster, and Penguin Random House have expressed interest in this manuscript MANUSCRIPT STATUS: I received editor likes for my book during #DVPit, so I mention this hoping it would be an additional enticement for agents. I reference AMM to show that this manuscript has been scrubbed and polished with an experienced professional, i.e., an agented author.; I can provide more information upon request. This manuscript has undergone revisions through the Author Mentor Match program.
I’m a Filipinx-American living in Virginia, but a California girl at heart. THE COOK: I liked mentioning the lattes in the first version, but I felt this detail is more advantageous since it’s the same background as my protagonist. I also expanded more on writing credentials. I hoped to show the agent’s that I’m actively working on my craft and committed to writing as a career. In addition to AMM, I have been selected for other competitive writing mentorships including the “Avengers of Colour” and “WriteMentor” programs. I have a forthcoming short story that will be published as part of an anthology by Haunt Publishing in Spring 2022.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Warm regards,
Daphne Dador
SOCIAL MEDIA: I deliberated whether to include this information or not. Ultimately I reasoned it would show agents that I am active in the writing community, and let’s face it if they are considering signing me, they’re going to look for this info regardless.
Daphne’s Commentary:
Stats: 29 queries (for both querying rounds), 14 full requests, 5 offers. You can then infer 24 rejections including 9 step-asides, and a mix of rejections and no responses.
And there you have it! Thank you Gabi for letting me participate in this exercise, and good luck to all the #amquerying writers out there. The most difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations… so keep going!